Scared of Falling in Love

by Gabie Rudyte February 26, 2020 4 min read

a couple walking hand in hand with the sunset behind

You’re either reading this post because you googled ‘scared of falling in love’ or you were simply surfing through my website, looked at the title, and clicked on it.

Either way, I’m glad you’re here.
This is a very important and interesting subject and I’m glad we’re here to talk about it!

The fear of falling in love.

If you’re scared of falling in love — don’t worry, you’re not alone.

Many people, me included, have a fear of falling in love. This naturally also relates to the fear of commitment and being in a relationship.

Love is a beautiful thing. The passion, the romance. the chemistry between you and the other person. Giggles, laughter, and an electric touch. All of these things are something we desire in one way or another. Why, then, are we so scared of falling in love?

Vulnerability & Intimacy.


When we say ‘I’m scared of falling in love’ what we actually mean is:

’I’m scared of being vulnerable and intimate with someone. I’m scared of letting down my guard and letting another person truly see me. I’m scared of opening my heart and letting love in because there’s a risk of getting hurt. I’m scared of being raw & unfiltered.’

Falling in love doesn’t make us scared. Vulnerability and intimacy make us feel scared.

Dr Brené Brown defines vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure.”

We’re scared of the uncertainty of opening up ourselves to another person.
We’re scared of taking the risk in case it doesn’t work out.
We’re scared of the emotional exposure that comes with intimacy.

It’s not that falling in love scares us, but vulnerability and real intimacy scares us. These things require courage, and it just so happens that vulnerability and courage happen to go hand in hand.

“Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.”
— Dr. Brené Brown

You need courage to be vulnerable.

Opening up your heart? It’s courageous. Taking a risk and leaping into the unknown territory that is called love? Courage. Exposing yourself emotionally and being intimate? Courage level 99.

In the world of Instagram stories, Facebook posts, Tweets, Tinder, and Bumble, we’re a society that’s more disconnected than ever.

We’re more comfortable sitting on our couch scrolling through potential mates rather than going to events where we could actually meet a potential mate. We’re more comfortable flirting through emojis and quick snap chats vs building that flirting muscle IRL. (that’s ‘in real life’ if you don’t know the internet lingo.)

Vulnerability and real intimacy don’t happen through apps and screens and real courage isn’t expressed that way either.

Real vulnerability and courageousness mean letting someone else see your real and raw self. The bloopers, mishaps, mistakes, and behind-the-scenes rather than those Instagram highlight reels.

You're scared to lose control.

a heart drawn on a window

Another reason why you’re scared to fall in love?
You’re scared to lose control.
Boy oh boy are you scared to lose control — especially if you’re a recovering control freak like me.

We like to be in control of things, we like to know what’s gonna happen, how it’s gonna happen, when it’s gonna happen.

We want a whole 20-page presentation with graphs and numbers and pie-charts so we can know what to expect.

Sorry to break it to ya, but that’s not how love, or relationships work.

What will happen? Who knows. Where will things go and how will they go? Don’t know either. You will just have to wait and see. (terrifying, I know!)

When you’re falling in love, and when you enter a relationship, you’re there with a whole, complete, living-and-breathing human being.
Your partner isn’t a project that needs to be managed and he’s not a proposal that needs to be completed.

You can’t control the other person and the outcome.
You can influence it — obviously! — but you can’t obsessively control it and micromanage it.

You’re not scared of falling in love, you’re scared of losing control.
But you know what? Some things just can’t — and shouldn’t — be controlled.

Some things are worth losing control over.

It's better to take the risk and get hurt than to live without ever having felt what vulnerable, intimate, and real love is.

Well, my dear reader, I hope this quick post was able to show you, and perhaps remind you, that it is not love you’re scared of.

It’s vulnerability, real intimacy, and the loss of control.

All I can tell you is this:

Let yourself be vulnerable. Let yourself experience real, raw, and heart-opening intimacy, and let yourself lose control.

We’re all scared, we all don’t know what we’re doing, and we’re all taking a risk.

I hope that the fear that you might feel, and the discomfort that might come as a result, is not going to stop you from experiencing the type of love you want, and the type of love that you deserve.

I'm in this with you. Let's cultivate the courage to be vulnerable.

p.s. this article was also published on thought catalog, and you can view it HERE.

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