Do you know what it feels like to have one foot in a new life and one foot in the old life?
One foot that is stepping forward into new habits, new patterns, new ways of being, new ways of thinking, and one foot that is still solidly placed in the old habits, old patterns, old ways of being.
That's how it feels like:
Like... this-is-some-manual-labor-I-am-tired-will-I-ever-get-to-the-other-side type of tired.
It's not easy. It's the internal push-and-pull experience of things that are two opposites. You want so much, so much, to have the new patterns and behaviours integrated, but the old part of you is resisting against it.
Who we are currently is a habit. Our routines have become a habit, what we think has become a habit, how we behave at work, at school, in our relationships, has become a habit.
We're just a bunch of habits.
And then we try to break those habits and establish new ones and it is haaaaard.
In the last half a year I've been really digging deep into my mind and psyche and examining my habits, behaviours, patterns, beliefs, thoughts. It's messy. I've been working with a therapist, working by myself, doing workbooks, reading books, meditating, journaling... doing so much work to understand myself, and yet... I feel the push and pull between who I am and who I want to be.
All I can say is:
If you're in the same boat as me... Wanting to change yourself, wanting to break old patterns, wanting to feel more at peace internally, wanting to shed beliefs that haven't served you -- I'm with you. I am you. We can do this.